sirens

i'll try and make this my last blog-therapy post.

ever since monday, all i hear are sirens. and i'm pretty sure most of them aren't real. i've gone out to do my every day activities, but i'm terrified. i can't say exactly why. the logical part of my brain says the bombs were one-off, and that there isn't any danger in 'normal' day-to-day activities.

but i still have a knot like a rock in my stomach.

i did a 3.5hr brick on tuesday. i cried most of the way through the bike. i hadn't cried yet, and i thought it made me feel better. until i was out running the 4mi portion of the brick. about .25mi from home i have to pass under a train bridge. i have run under it multiple times while a train was over head. it never bothered me, until now.

a train went over as i was under the bridge, and i nearly had a heart attack. my body kept trying to roll straight into a panic attack, but i kept running through the halting breaths and pin-prick adrenaline fingers and eventually calmed down.

as i sit here on the couch while my kiddo pretends to nap, i can faintly hear sirens and helicopters. i'm not sure if they are actually there or not--i've been hearing them constantly since the bombings.

and you know what? all of this fear and paranoia and jumping at every bus that drives by? it makes me feel guilty. guilty because i am okay. guilty because i didn't leave my (safe) family to go help. guilty because i am feeling all crazy just for being a block away.

i know i said in my previous self-serving therapy post about the marathon that i wasn't going to let this get me down. welp, it's easier said than done.

tell me something good or happy, please.