HOLY CRAP - Oh putain de merde !

i got a Paris Marathon 2015 spot!!!

source

now .... do i take it??

i have until May 4th to decide. 

pregnancy cravings + "workouts"

the foods.

this pregnancy is very different from my first. granted, i was quite ill with ulcerative colitis during that pregnancy, but still. with my now 2 year old, i gained about 28lbs, had minimal morning sickness, and craved mostly salty & spicy things to eat. cravings with him went something like this:

• potato chips
• peperoni pizza + jalapeños 
• crispy peperoni
• sriracha on anything/everything
• sea salt on anything/everything
• jalapeño potato chips
• jimmy john's tuna salad unwich + spicy peppers
• french fries

now, i didn't eat these things constantly--i just WANTED them constantly. 

this go around, i'm much healthier than before thanks to new meds, i've gained more at 7mo than i did my ENTIRE last pregnancy (and still growing), had increased morning sickness that has returned for the 3rd trimester (hooray), and crave mostly sweet / sour things. though, truth be told, this mama is one hungry hippo and will eat pretty much anything that is put in front of me. most oft craved foods this cycle: 

• Nerds, Nerds rope, anything Nerds.

• Sour Patch Kids. 
• dark chocolate salted caramels from Whole Foods (THE DEVIL I TELL YOU)
• peanut butter and chocolate melted together in the microwave
• Wendy's chocolate frosty
• garlic mashed potatoes
• lemon juice. i may have desperately squeezed the juice of an entire lemon into my mouth whilst leaning over the sink during one particular nap time. hypothetically. 

• tuna salad on spinach with lots of black olives

• wasabi flavored seaweed chips

again. things i crave, not necessarily things i eat all the time. i have had each of them at least once, though, and daydream about nerds pretty much constantly. 

the 'workouts'

workouts gets real quotes and air quotes. i did really well doing either jogging, the elliptical, or the spin bike 3-5x per week plus weight training 2-3x per week and prenatal yoga 1x week up until about 2 weeks ago, ~31 weeks along. 'tis a far cry from IM training, but still quite active, when you consider i also spend 8+ hrs a day chasing around a FAST, never-stationary 2 year old.

then came the hot-poker-to-the-vagina/cervix (i can't really tell?) - pains. everything is fine, kid is just sitting low and bounces up and down on my ladyparts. and boyhowdy, that gets my attention. since these pains only happen during jogging, fast walking, and the elliptical, i've been forced to spend most of my time on the spin bike. i can't ride my bike on the trainer bc the belly is too big and i ninja-kick it with my knees. i can't ride the regular upright spin bikes bc my ass is so damn huge/heavy that my whole lower body falls asleep within 15 minutes, which is (surprise) counterproductive. so basically i ride the dorky recumbent bike ~3x week, stretch, do weights 3x week, and go to prenatal yoga 1x week. 

i've tried barre a couple of times this pregnancy, and it makes me feel super strong, but so many of the poses are non-pregger friendly or require such extensive modification that it's getting to be not worth the trouble for now. i've got a great DVD that i plan on using for the post-babe toning. 

post babe plan?

i've been thinking (read: obsessing) lately about my hugeness and how i will get back into shape after the babe. i'll probably do some sort of low carb, paleoesque, whole30ish type approach to food at first. walking, barre and the elliptical will be my go to exercises until i get the go ahead to run around 6 weeks. 

and if all goes well with recovery, weight loss, breastfeeding, rearing two chiclets at the same time (no big, right???!), etc., then i'll even try to train for a fall half marathon. Cape Cod Half Marathon is on my radar. i'll either be posting about it in october, or posting a self-effacing excerpt about how overly ambitious/optimistic/ridiculous i was (am) being in this post. 

10 things NOT to say

to someone who just DNF'd an IRONMAN (or any race, for that matter.)

source

each one of these was said to me within 24hrs of my DNF at IM Louisville last year, from (probably) well-meaning people. this post sat in my drafts section for some time... it seemed too bitter to post some days, and not bitter enough others. so, without further ado:

#10 "Ouch. So what did you do wrong?"

sometimes the person didn't do anything wrong, other than just be incredibly unlucky. and there's going to be a time and a place for reflection post IM DNF. 24hrs post-race is not the best time to pose this question, if you value your life.

#9 "No big deal, just sign up for another one!"

wrong! very big deal! this person in all likelihood spent 8-10 months of their life training, and they probably dropped thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours away from family and friends to do it. some of us just can't afford two $700+ race fees in a year, either.  and some of our bodies (and brains) can't handle that commitment more than once a year.

#8 "So, when's your next race?"

not a huge no-no, especially if you wait a while to ask it, but still not a great thing to hear a day or a week later. i don't fucking know when my next one is, i have to mourn the loss of this one first. thanks.

#7 "What's DNF?"

oh please, yes, let me explain to you in excruciating detail what DID NOT FINISH means. jesus even my 80 year old grandmother understands how to 'google' something. think-->speak.

#6 "My cousin did one after only training for 4 weeks. Do you want me to call her so she can be your coach?"

nononononono. no. because one of two things is true here. either 1) you and/or your cousin are massive liars, in which case, no, i'll pass. or 2) your cousin is a genetic freak and will have nothing to offer a normal person like me.

#5 "You're still an IRONMAN to me!"

no, actually, i'm not. you only get to say that if you cross the finish line. this isn't like elementary school these days where everyone is a winner and we all get a blue ribbon with a #1 on it at field day. this is real life. i'm an adult. i did not cross the finish line. therefore, i am not an IRONMAN. don't placate me!

#4 "My uncle almost DNF'd when he had a (heart attack/stroke/shark attack) but he kept going."

props to your uncle. he sounds crazy and/or badass and/or a genetic freak and i would like to take him out for a beer (or soda water if he had a stroke?) but yeah, was that supposed to make me feel better? because....no.

#3 "I almost DNF'd. But then I rallied. Oh and I qualified for Kona. Again! Yay!"

i nearly punched this person. and she said it with a straight face, before she skipped off to go claim her Kona spot. i'm glad we've established this is all about you. this is MY pity party. stabstabstab.

#2 "You should have just stopped before _____ so you could do another one this year and not waste all that training."

the same response as to #9 applies here, but I included this one because the condescending tone just boiled my blood. oh yes. please tell me what i should have done at my one shot at this for the next 5 years. i'm all ears, really. don't mind the ugly crying, shaking, and snot.

and my (least) favorite...

#1   "CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! :) :)" 

posted on social media for everyone to see, sent in texts, IMs, chats, emails, and other messages. hey, thanks for thinking of me, but congrats for what, exactly? not finishing? failing at a huge life goal? thanks? for fuck's sake, people. check the results first. 

source

and that's all i have to say about that. 

i will eat all the things

a soon-to-be dad created a tumblr with some hilarious GIFs / captions about his wife's pregnancy. many of these have actually happened at my house. this one made me laugh hard enough i snarfed my fizzy water:


"When my pregnant wife wants a snack and I suggest having fruit, she’s like:"

source

post-ironman projects, aka life

life post-IMLou DNF has been humming along.

i have been working on one small project these days, which has meant i've made slight adjustments to my training routine:

• no more cycling (outdoors, that is)
• no snowboarding with the hubs (i probably shouldn't do this anymore EVER, since i'm almost guaranteed to get some sort of long bone fracture)
• less swimming (it's really hard to swim without a gym and a pool and all the ponds have frozen over, i've found)
• more jogging, less running
• no zone workouts, lactate threshold tests, or VO2-maxin'

the aforementioned small project also has me eating a bit differently--less caffeine, no sushi -->insert uncontrollable sobbing here<--, no deliciously squishy cheese, no deli meats, less wine. 

i'm not on a cleanse; i'm not dieting; i'm not giving up contact sports or the best of exercise.

instead, i am making another person. INSIDE OF ME. it's baby time round two, folks!

the hubs and i quit birth control the day after IMLou, since we knew thought we wanted another kidlet running around. now with a kid officially in the terrible two's, i'm beginning to wonder what on earth got into us. we wanted another one of these?! i digress. last time i went off BC it took a good year for my cycle to get itself right. well, not this go 'round. this bad boy showed up exactly 3.5 weeks after IMLou:

the midwife tells me i probably got pregnant 2-3 days post-IM. ha! 

i spent the majority of September and October feeling like i was about to vomit. things perked up in November when we went on an extended vacation that looked something like this:

BOS-->SFO (CTO work conference) 4 days

SFO-->Kauai (vacation and baby brudder's wedding) 10 days

Kauai-->AUS (family visit and bestest friend's wedding shower) 3 days

AUS-->BOS (home again home again jiggity jig)

of course i went back to work the next day. can't recommend that. 

December meant family time in Dallas for the holidays, and January has meant getting back into the regular exercise routine, with less treats. not NO treats, of course, just less ;)

i'm due early June with the kiddo, and no, we won't find out what kind of kiddo it is until we meet him or her. if you'd like to pass on name suggestions, please feel free, as everyone else seems to, up to and including the cashier at Stop-n-Shop, the gas station attendant, and kids at E's daycare... 

for those very VERY few of you who followed me for training/camaraderie purposes, please feel free to delete/unfollow/etc now that this has officially become a training blog involving a baby. i'll continue to post about workouts, and other things health related, the posts will be at least somewhat baby related--and often completely about baby--until the kid is actually on the outside. eventually i'll be un-pregnant again and training for a comeback race (taking suggestions here too: marathon? Chicago? Houston? triathlon? IM is a few years away yet) i can't seem to decide on one. or, coincidentally, how to end this post! so.... 

happy training, y'all!

feeling lucky

had an appointment with my doc today. apparently i am 'lucky.'

doc was pretty impressed at the amount of soft tissue damage done by the bike cleat, most notably the puncture wound. (i guess fractures are less exciting these days? so 2010.) turns out Dude Who Stomped on My Foot with His Bike Cleat was mere millimeters from sending me to the OR to fix some ruptured tendons.

he looked me square in the face and said i was 'lucky.' i didn't feel it in that moment, i was actually more irritated than anything. but now, i feel it a little. maybe. my wee crack of a fracture will be healed in no time. i can stop wearing the boot sooner than later. i'll be back running in 6 weeks. compared to surgery, 6mo in the boot, and no running for even longer (all whilst trying to care for a highly energetic 18mo old), my lot doesn't seem so bad.

to address the 2.5 weeks of inactivity initiated by such good 'luck,' i went for a swim on Tuesday. i'm not even sure at this point that i still know how to swim. it's surprising the BSC staff didn't jump in and try to rescue me from what must have looked like a slow, forward motion grand mal seizure.

things i will do differently next time

other than, you know, not breaking my foot in T1.

note it is 'things i WILL do differently next time'. not 'things i would have/could have/should have done differently.'

time is helping the IMLou DNF wound to heal. i'm less embarrassed to tell people now. i'm not crying about it anymore (thank gawd.) i'm starting to get to the place where i miss the long rides and runs and am so incredibly grateful for having had the opportunity to train for a freaking IRONMAN.

there WILL be a next time for me.

reflecting on my experiences of the last year, i've come up with a few things i will change for next time, and a few things i want to keep the same. here they are, not necessarily in order of importance. (i'll make a color-coded spreadsheet for that later...)

same same:

1. my bike. love that sexy machine. i did not hate my bike when i got off of it, some 8-odd hours after starting the bike leg, which seems to put me in the minority. 
2. my 'have fun' attitude. being a back-of-the-pack-er, i'm not as prone to disappointment when it comes to my times/splits/place as those who finish near the front. quite a bit of interesting sports psychology research has shown that people that place 2nd, 3rd, or in the top of their AG tend to have lower satisfaction scores related to their sport than the last place finisher. of course not all second place finishers feel that way, but many do. i'm happy to stick to my happy place. at the back.
3. picking a race that fits with my family's schedule. having so much support there was unreal. i can't imagine doing it without my people. 

change up:

1. different bike nutrition set up. i need a new fuel/drink system. stopping to put my little baggies of accelerade powder into the bottles, filling them up with water, shaking them, etc ate up too much time. i'm thinking of possibly switching to the on-course stuff (Perform) or trying the whole EFS get up. any suggestions are welcome! just know the suggestions need to be gluten free :)  (i'll keep my solid food snacking a la Lara Bar/Chomps/salt tabs the same, though.)
2. lose weight. not in a 'ermahgerd i'm soooo fat' teenage kind of way. it's a pragmatic 'i could stand to lose 20lbs of fat' kind of way. let me say this: i am not fat. i am, however, at 5'6'' and 140lbs (pre-race weight norm, not post IM weight), at the top end of what's considered healthy via weight and BMI standards. i've had my body fat % measured (yikes!) and i do legitimately have 20lbs of fat i could stand to lose. biking and running will be easier and more efficient if i lose that weight. i'm planning on using Matt Fitzgerald's "Quick Start Racing Weight" plan for this purpose. 
3. get a power meter. let me say again. i love my bike. i, as the engine of that fabulous machine, could stand to get stronger. part of the next step for me is know what my power output is, and training to increase it. i'm looking at a few models: PowerTap, Quarq, Garmin's new pedal-based Vector, and the new Stages crank model. any input from you, internets? i'm kind of a geek about data, and can't wait to have MORE THINGS to add to spreadsheets. 

i'll add to this list as time goes on, but these are the little epiphanies i've had when daydreaming about my next race. 

i'm also working on a 'sh*t NOT to say to someone who just DNF'd an IRONMAN.' stay tuned!

DNF

my faulty timing chip may have lead you to believe i DNS'd. 'twas not the case. instead, i DNF'd. 

it may be too raw to ever do a full race report. the Cliffs Notes version goes like this:

• super nervous the week leading up to the race, but excited and giddy race morning.
• had the swim of my life. a full 20 min faster than i expected @ 1:25, all with my HR in the proper zone and little in-water contact.
• unluckiest T1 ever. a large man running through T1 stomped on my bare foot with his bike cleat before i even made it to the changing tent. i felt the ominous 'POP.'  
• cue instant swelling. bruising, blood, and pain.  powered through the pain, got on the bike.

3 days later, swelling has gone down a bit, still can't move my middle 3 toes

• foot pain was excruciating, to the point it made me nauseous/hyperventilate. ended up doing about 75% of the bike as a left leg single-leg pedal drill. overall bike 8:35, about 1 hr longer than planned. 

• got foot wrapped in T2 (and a med-tent lecture) before continuing on the 'run.'
• jogged out of transition on pure adrenaline. made it to about mile 2 before i dry heaved from the pain and started walking.
• limped the rest of the way, trying not to cry, until they pulled me off the marathon course at the start of the second loop. that happened at 9:50, 5 minutes after the cut off. 
• (i wouldn't have made it to the finish at the rate i was going anyways, it took me nearly 4 hrs to limp the first half.)
• cue instant sobbing, like a wee babe, into the arms of my parents.

still couldn't really walk on it the next day. eventual x-rays confirmed the metatarsal break, so my only 'finisher gear' from the race is a giant boot. doc said to use crutches, but i fucking walked 13 miles on it Sunday, i think i'll be okay without them, thankyouverymuch. 

on one hand i'm proud of myself for not quitting. i want the letters behind my name for IMLou 2013 to be DNFQ - Did Not Fucking Quit.

on the other hand, i'm crushed. i feel like i'm mourning a loss of... not a person, but of a something?  as ridiculous as that may seem to someone who has never not finished a race, that's how it feels. 

i can't believe it's over, that it happened that way. i don't want to talk about the race AT ALL to ANYONE except my keyboard (denial & isolation). i keep wondering. . . what if i had done such-and-such thing would i have been able to run or walk fast enough to finish? . . . what if i were just a little tougher, could i have run through the pain? (bargaining). i occasionally get mad at the man that stepped on my foot by complete accident (anger). i have cried. a lot. i don't think it's fair to call it real depression, but maybe the short term version of it fits (depression). i'll get to (acceptance) eventually. 

i feel horrible for making my family stand out there all day for ... what? me as a sobbing, limping mess? 

i feel horrible that the most selfless friend i have ever known came out to KY, took care of me race morning, took care of my kid and family, cheered me on, stayed awake for nearly 24hrs, and wasted a week of vacation time to do it, all for ... nought.  

i feel horrible that my husband missed a week of work during the busiest week of his work life yet  ... just to watch me fail at this goal. 

i feel mortified to tell my friends, family, and co-workers that i didn't finish (as well as re-explaining things on FB/twitter/etc. people, seriously. READ a post or status before typing "CONGRATS on finishing yayy!!")

i know, i know. 95% of the work is just getting to the start line, and i should be proud of that (i am.) i should be proud of how far my body took me (i am.) i know the pain and embarrassment will fade with time, the way the pain in my foot will fade. i know i'll eventually be able to see the DNF as a positive, a stepping stone, a learning process. but for right now, it sucks. hard. because at the end of the day, no matter how many feel-good emails i get, no matter how many motivational signs about not giving up people pin for me on Pinterest, i still failed. 

i am NOT an ironman. 

yet.