DNF

my faulty timing chip may have lead you to believe i DNS'd. 'twas not the case. instead, i DNF'd. 

it may be too raw to ever do a full race report. the Cliffs Notes version goes like this:

• super nervous the week leading up to the race, but excited and giddy race morning.
• had the swim of my life. a full 20 min faster than i expected @ 1:25, all with my HR in the proper zone and little in-water contact.
• unluckiest T1 ever. a large man running through T1 stomped on my bare foot with his bike cleat before i even made it to the changing tent. i felt the ominous 'POP.'  
• cue instant swelling. bruising, blood, and pain.  powered through the pain, got on the bike.

3 days later, swelling has gone down a bit, still can't move my middle 3 toes

• foot pain was excruciating, to the point it made me nauseous/hyperventilate. ended up doing about 75% of the bike as a left leg single-leg pedal drill. overall bike 8:35, about 1 hr longer than planned. 

• got foot wrapped in T2 (and a med-tent lecture) before continuing on the 'run.'
• jogged out of transition on pure adrenaline. made it to about mile 2 before i dry heaved from the pain and started walking.
• limped the rest of the way, trying not to cry, until they pulled me off the marathon course at the start of the second loop. that happened at 9:50, 5 minutes after the cut off. 
• (i wouldn't have made it to the finish at the rate i was going anyways, it took me nearly 4 hrs to limp the first half.)
• cue instant sobbing, like a wee babe, into the arms of my parents.

still couldn't really walk on it the next day. eventual x-rays confirmed the metatarsal break, so my only 'finisher gear' from the race is a giant boot. doc said to use crutches, but i fucking walked 13 miles on it Sunday, i think i'll be okay without them, thankyouverymuch. 

on one hand i'm proud of myself for not quitting. i want the letters behind my name for IMLou 2013 to be DNFQ - Did Not Fucking Quit.

on the other hand, i'm crushed. i feel like i'm mourning a loss of... not a person, but of a something?  as ridiculous as that may seem to someone who has never not finished a race, that's how it feels. 

i can't believe it's over, that it happened that way. i don't want to talk about the race AT ALL to ANYONE except my keyboard (denial & isolation). i keep wondering. . . what if i had done such-and-such thing would i have been able to run or walk fast enough to finish? . . . what if i were just a little tougher, could i have run through the pain? (bargaining). i occasionally get mad at the man that stepped on my foot by complete accident (anger). i have cried. a lot. i don't think it's fair to call it real depression, but maybe the short term version of it fits (depression). i'll get to (acceptance) eventually. 

i feel horrible for making my family stand out there all day for ... what? me as a sobbing, limping mess? 

i feel horrible that the most selfless friend i have ever known came out to KY, took care of me race morning, took care of my kid and family, cheered me on, stayed awake for nearly 24hrs, and wasted a week of vacation time to do it, all for ... nought.  

i feel horrible that my husband missed a week of work during the busiest week of his work life yet  ... just to watch me fail at this goal. 

i feel mortified to tell my friends, family, and co-workers that i didn't finish (as well as re-explaining things on FB/twitter/etc. people, seriously. READ a post or status before typing "CONGRATS on finishing yayy!!")

i know, i know. 95% of the work is just getting to the start line, and i should be proud of that (i am.) i should be proud of how far my body took me (i am.) i know the pain and embarrassment will fade with time, the way the pain in my foot will fade. i know i'll eventually be able to see the DNF as a positive, a stepping stone, a learning process. but for right now, it sucks. hard. because at the end of the day, no matter how many feel-good emails i get, no matter how many motivational signs about not giving up people pin for me on Pinterest, i still failed. 

i am NOT an ironman. 

yet.