HOLY CRAP - Oh putain de merde !

i got a Paris Marathon 2015 spot!!!

source

now .... do i take it??

i have until May 4th to decide. 

pregnancy cravings + "workouts"

the foods.

this pregnancy is very different from my first. granted, i was quite ill with ulcerative colitis during that pregnancy, but still. with my now 2 year old, i gained about 28lbs, had minimal morning sickness, and craved mostly salty & spicy things to eat. cravings with him went something like this:

• potato chips
• peperoni pizza + jalapeños 
• crispy peperoni
• sriracha on anything/everything
• sea salt on anything/everything
• jalapeño potato chips
• jimmy john's tuna salad unwich + spicy peppers
• french fries

now, i didn't eat these things constantly--i just WANTED them constantly. 

this go around, i'm much healthier than before thanks to new meds, i've gained more at 7mo than i did my ENTIRE last pregnancy (and still growing), had increased morning sickness that has returned for the 3rd trimester (hooray), and crave mostly sweet / sour things. though, truth be told, this mama is one hungry hippo and will eat pretty much anything that is put in front of me. most oft craved foods this cycle: 

• Nerds, Nerds rope, anything Nerds.

• Sour Patch Kids. 
• dark chocolate salted caramels from Whole Foods (THE DEVIL I TELL YOU)
• peanut butter and chocolate melted together in the microwave
• Wendy's chocolate frosty
• garlic mashed potatoes
• lemon juice. i may have desperately squeezed the juice of an entire lemon into my mouth whilst leaning over the sink during one particular nap time. hypothetically. 

• tuna salad on spinach with lots of black olives

• wasabi flavored seaweed chips

again. things i crave, not necessarily things i eat all the time. i have had each of them at least once, though, and daydream about nerds pretty much constantly. 

the 'workouts'

workouts gets real quotes and air quotes. i did really well doing either jogging, the elliptical, or the spin bike 3-5x per week plus weight training 2-3x per week and prenatal yoga 1x week up until about 2 weeks ago, ~31 weeks along. 'tis a far cry from IM training, but still quite active, when you consider i also spend 8+ hrs a day chasing around a FAST, never-stationary 2 year old.

then came the hot-poker-to-the-vagina/cervix (i can't really tell?) - pains. everything is fine, kid is just sitting low and bounces up and down on my ladyparts. and boyhowdy, that gets my attention. since these pains only happen during jogging, fast walking, and the elliptical, i've been forced to spend most of my time on the spin bike. i can't ride my bike on the trainer bc the belly is too big and i ninja-kick it with my knees. i can't ride the regular upright spin bikes bc my ass is so damn huge/heavy that my whole lower body falls asleep within 15 minutes, which is (surprise) counterproductive. so basically i ride the dorky recumbent bike ~3x week, stretch, do weights 3x week, and go to prenatal yoga 1x week. 

i've tried barre a couple of times this pregnancy, and it makes me feel super strong, but so many of the poses are non-pregger friendly or require such extensive modification that it's getting to be not worth the trouble for now. i've got a great DVD that i plan on using for the post-babe toning. 

post babe plan?

i've been thinking (read: obsessing) lately about my hugeness and how i will get back into shape after the babe. i'll probably do some sort of low carb, paleoesque, whole30ish type approach to food at first. walking, barre and the elliptical will be my go to exercises until i get the go ahead to run around 6 weeks. 

and if all goes well with recovery, weight loss, breastfeeding, rearing two chiclets at the same time (no big, right???!), etc., then i'll even try to train for a fall half marathon. Cape Cod Half Marathon is on my radar. i'll either be posting about it in october, or posting a self-effacing excerpt about how overly ambitious/optimistic/ridiculous i was (am) being in this post. 

10 things NOT to say

to someone who just DNF'd an IRONMAN (or any race, for that matter.)

source

each one of these was said to me within 24hrs of my DNF at IM Louisville last year, from (probably) well-meaning people. this post sat in my drafts section for some time... it seemed too bitter to post some days, and not bitter enough others. so, without further ado:

#10 "Ouch. So what did you do wrong?"

sometimes the person didn't do anything wrong, other than just be incredibly unlucky. and there's going to be a time and a place for reflection post IM DNF. 24hrs post-race is not the best time to pose this question, if you value your life.

#9 "No big deal, just sign up for another one!"

wrong! very big deal! this person in all likelihood spent 8-10 months of their life training, and they probably dropped thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours away from family and friends to do it. some of us just can't afford two $700+ race fees in a year, either.  and some of our bodies (and brains) can't handle that commitment more than once a year.

#8 "So, when's your next race?"

not a huge no-no, especially if you wait a while to ask it, but still not a great thing to hear a day or a week later. i don't fucking know when my next one is, i have to mourn the loss of this one first. thanks.

#7 "What's DNF?"

oh please, yes, let me explain to you in excruciating detail what DID NOT FINISH means. jesus even my 80 year old grandmother understands how to 'google' something. think-->speak.

#6 "My cousin did one after only training for 4 weeks. Do you want me to call her so she can be your coach?"

nononononono. no. because one of two things is true here. either 1) you and/or your cousin are massive liars, in which case, no, i'll pass. or 2) your cousin is a genetic freak and will have nothing to offer a normal person like me.

#5 "You're still an IRONMAN to me!"

no, actually, i'm not. you only get to say that if you cross the finish line. this isn't like elementary school these days where everyone is a winner and we all get a blue ribbon with a #1 on it at field day. this is real life. i'm an adult. i did not cross the finish line. therefore, i am not an IRONMAN. don't placate me!

#4 "My uncle almost DNF'd when he had a (heart attack/stroke/shark attack) but he kept going."

props to your uncle. he sounds crazy and/or badass and/or a genetic freak and i would like to take him out for a beer (or soda water if he had a stroke?) but yeah, was that supposed to make me feel better? because....no.

#3 "I almost DNF'd. But then I rallied. Oh and I qualified for Kona. Again! Yay!"

i nearly punched this person. and she said it with a straight face, before she skipped off to go claim her Kona spot. i'm glad we've established this is all about you. this is MY pity party. stabstabstab.

#2 "You should have just stopped before _____ so you could do another one this year and not waste all that training."

the same response as to #9 applies here, but I included this one because the condescending tone just boiled my blood. oh yes. please tell me what i should have done at my one shot at this for the next 5 years. i'm all ears, really. don't mind the ugly crying, shaking, and snot.

and my (least) favorite...

#1   "CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! :) :)" 

posted on social media for everyone to see, sent in texts, IMs, chats, emails, and other messages. hey, thanks for thinking of me, but congrats for what, exactly? not finishing? failing at a huge life goal? thanks? for fuck's sake, people. check the results first. 

source

and that's all i have to say about that.